so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
