I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
being pregnant is like rehab
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
