His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
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She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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