Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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