Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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