Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
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