He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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