okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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