This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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