im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
