I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
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I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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