They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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