I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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