U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
