Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
