Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
