I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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