apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
