I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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