then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
