I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
