Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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