If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
