i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
