It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
