If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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