Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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