My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If its not for food we ain't going out.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
