it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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