how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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