Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
