Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
