dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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