I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You're a waste of cheezeits
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
