you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
