dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
