On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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