Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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