I wish my penis had an off switch
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
