Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
