New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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