At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
