I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
