I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
