Will you blow on my dice?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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