I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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