remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
