I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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