My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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