she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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