You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
FUCK WHALES
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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