I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
