Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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