It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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