i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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