It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
