Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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