we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
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How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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