fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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