i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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