I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
