Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
