Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
